a new friend

I recently met a new someone and as we got to talking it became apparent that our personalities were very similar. The sadly amusing part of it was that as our conversations progressed, the points on which we most understood each other were the disappointments in our lives, times when things weren’t what they seemed.

Pain is a common denominator, a great equalizer among people. We’ve all experienced it but rarely like to talk about it. The residual feelings of pain resurface often, sometimes monthly, weekly, and even daily. Talking about it means acknowledging its presence, when most of us would prefer to ignore its existence.

But pain will never leave our lives unless we remove the wrappings of self-defense, excuse and denial from around our hearts, exposing the bloody, messy wound that it has become and let God touch it with the searing truth of His love and forgiveness. Until that happens, the acuteness of pain grows into a dull, constant ache, and with its accompanying familiarity a certain kindred friendship is offered. Pain is too often the one constant in our life, the thing that never changes. If that familiar feeling were ever to leave us we fear a gaping hole would remain in its place, risking feelings of emptiness and loneliness more intense than we’ve ever known.

Because we were created as relational beings to live and love like God does, we look for emotional, spiritual and physical connections in any person or thing, whether it is with family or friends, behaviors or habits, no matter our age, circumstance, location or walk of life. As we search for intersecting points of commonality in other people in hopes of guaranteeing a lasting connection some accept our efforts and some refuse our advances. Sadly, one of the few realities that is not partial in its attachments is that haunting feeling of hurt, pain and disappointment. Some days it is the truest friend, seeming to never abandon its host for another, and on other days it is the worst of enemies, its sole purpose to harass me with accusing feelings of condemnation and rejection.

Oft times I let pain court me, since its behavioral patterns have become so consistent and predictable. We’ve memorized our respective roles and I accept our dysfunctional compatibility.

But most days I tire of its companionship and closeness, longing for space to breathe and to hear words of truth and affirmation. I’ve heard Love described as “Choosing the highest good for God, myself and others.” And if this is true, pain’s dark hues do not fit in the painting of my life. They mar and discolor the true picture of who I was created to be. The truth of who I am is not that I was rejected, but that I (not to the exclusion of the rest of the world) was chosen; not that I am unlovable but that I have been loved since my inception; not that I am unlovely but that I am His beauty; not that I am a burden to Him but a delight; not that my presence is a drudge to Him but that He aches for my nearness.

As I learn to choose to listen to Love’s voice, His affirmations and affections become more and more familiar, and pain’s friendship becomes less necessary. I discover that I don’t need its negative voice reminding me of the times I’ve been wronged and how I deserve so much more. Love’s voice reminds me that I have been given much, and those who have wronged me have acted out of their own pain and need for Love. If I choose to re-open my wounded parts and let God heal them with His tender forgiveness and love, pain is rendered powerless in my life. After all, pain owns no real power of its own, only that which I have willfully given it. As I grow more confident in the understanding of my identity in God, that I was loved and chosen before I was even conscious of my existence, the prospect of pain’s abandonment does not fill me with the fear of being alone, since Love has already filled every empty crevice of my soul. And frankly, Love has a better offer. He promises, “I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord.” Love’s way of going about relationships is healthier, sweeter and perfect.

So while I’m happy that I’ve found commonality with others through past painful experiences and have been able to connect on deeper levels with people through that, my hope is that as I continue to meet new someones I can move beyond commiserations over disappointments and delve deeper into the hope and the future that I now own, encouraging others to break their dependent relationship with pain and persevere in their search for healing and true Love.

Dysfunction has an uncanny ability to be a great friend and when it is gone, a gaping hole is left, creating a void in the host's life and leaving a spirit of unrest and complete lack of peace.