a new friend

I recently met a new someone and as we got to talking it became apparent that our personalities were very similar. The sadly amusing part of it was that as our conversations progressed, the points on which we most understood each other were the disappointments in our lives, times when things weren’t what they seemed.

Pain is a common denominator, a great equalizer among people. We’ve all experienced it but rarely like to talk about it. The residual feelings of pain resurface often, sometimes monthly, weekly, and even daily. Talking about it means acknowledging its presence, when most of us would prefer to ignore its existence.

But pain will never leave our lives unless we remove the wrappings of self-defense, excuse and denial from around our hearts, exposing the bloody, messy wound that it has become and let God touch it with the searing truth of His love and forgiveness. Until that happens, the acuteness of pain grows into a dull, constant ache, and with its accompanying familiarity a certain kindred friendship is offered. Pain is too often the one constant in our life, the thing that never changes. If that familiar feeling were ever to leave us we fear a gaping hole would remain in its place, risking feelings of emptiness and loneliness more intense than we’ve ever known.

Because we were created as relational beings to live and love like God does, we look for emotional, spiritual and physical connections in any person or thing, whether it is with family or friends, behaviors or habits, no matter our age, circumstance, location or walk of life. As we search for intersecting points of commonality in other people in hopes of guaranteeing a lasting connection some accept our efforts and some refuse our advances. Sadly, one of the few realities that is not partial in its attachments is that haunting feeling of hurt, pain and disappointment. Some days it is the truest friend, seeming to never abandon its host for another, and on other days it is the worst of enemies, its sole purpose to harass me with accusing feelings of condemnation and rejection.

Oft times I let pain court me, since its behavioral patterns have become so consistent and predictable. We’ve memorized our respective roles and I accept our dysfunctional compatibility.

But most days I tire of its companionship and closeness, longing for space to breathe and to hear words of truth and affirmation. I’ve heard Love described as “Choosing the highest good for God, myself and others.” And if this is true, pain’s dark hues do not fit in the painting of my life. They mar and discolor the true picture of who I was created to be. The truth of who I am is not that I was rejected, but that I (not to the exclusion of the rest of the world) was chosen; not that I am unlovable but that I have been loved since my inception; not that I am unlovely but that I am His beauty; not that I am a burden to Him but a delight; not that my presence is a drudge to Him but that He aches for my nearness.

As I learn to choose to listen to Love’s voice, His affirmations and affections become more and more familiar, and pain’s friendship becomes less necessary. I discover that I don’t need its negative voice reminding me of the times I’ve been wronged and how I deserve so much more. Love’s voice reminds me that I have been given much, and those who have wronged me have acted out of their own pain and need for Love. If I choose to re-open my wounded parts and let God heal them with His tender forgiveness and love, pain is rendered powerless in my life. After all, pain owns no real power of its own, only that which I have willfully given it. As I grow more confident in the understanding of my identity in God, that I was loved and chosen before I was even conscious of my existence, the prospect of pain’s abandonment does not fill me with the fear of being alone, since Love has already filled every empty crevice of my soul. And frankly, Love has a better offer. He promises, “I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord.” Love’s way of going about relationships is healthier, sweeter and perfect.

So while I’m happy that I’ve found commonality with others through past painful experiences and have been able to connect on deeper levels with people through that, my hope is that as I continue to meet new someones I can move beyond commiserations over disappointments and delve deeper into the hope and the future that I now own, encouraging others to break their dependent relationship with pain and persevere in their search for healing and true Love.

Dysfunction has an uncanny ability to be a great friend and when it is gone, a gaping hole is left, creating a void in the host's life and leaving a spirit of unrest and complete lack of peace.

prayer

Make me know Your ways, O LORD; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day. – Psalm 25:4, 5

Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You. – Psalm 25:21

Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have walked in my integrity, and I have trusted in the LORD without wavering. Examine me, O LORD, and try me; test my mind and my heart. For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Your truth. – Psalm 26:1-3

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me and answer me. When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek." Do not hide Your face from me, do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; do not abandon me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation! – Psalm 27:7-9

I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed. – Psalm 34:4, 5

“For the Church has no beauty but what the Bride-groom gives her; He does not find, but makes, her lovely.” – C.S. Lewis (Eph. 5:22)


Journal Entry - 12.2.05 - rough draft revisited
It seems to me that it gets harder to pray, the longer I go on. Not that I don’t desire to pray, but words have become hard to find. As I have been reading some of the prayers and cries of David and the promises of God in Hosea, it’s become difficult and feels obtrusive for me to break into the silence with halting prayers of my own. I think I’m just beginning to understand what Henri Nowen writes of regarding the silent prayers of the heart (“pray at all times in the Spirit” … Eph. 6:18), unceasing in nature. As the attitude of the heart is and the filled life of the Holy Spirit may be, so our prayers are continually lifted up to God, though the mind may not be conscious of it. When our spirits are in constant communion with God, our lives are a continual and living prayer to Him.

As the last two weeks have been a constant reminder to bring myself and my concerns, my will, my future, my heart and my mind before Him in surrender, offering these things up to Him consciously, the more it seems I feel them being lifted again and again without conscious recollection. Such a mystery, this attitude of the heart.

And as my shallow understanding deepens of His greatness and His love for me, I realize how unimportant words have become. He doesn’t need them quite as much as I think He does. Of course, He loves our simple conversations, the ones when I thank Him for warm cherry pie, for getting off work early, for a car that runs; when I ask Him to help me choose the right words in an uncomfortable situation; when I can laugh with Him over human blunders; when I can cry to Him because it hurts so much; when His love is so real …

He loves to hear me come to Him in prayer when I just want to chat, like old friends. But then … there are some days when all I can do is sit and be; when it’s simply enough to lift my throbbing heart, pulsing with raw emotion and feeling, on my hands for Him to see and understand. And we sit there together in silence, me feeling and Him understanding. And after a while, I know that He’s heard everything I’ve never said and He feels what I haven’t been able to express. He’s absorbed my silent cries and He caresses my now still heart. I look up at Him and smile. And He nods as I put my heart back into the shell called me. My heart beats steadily again, bringing back to life something once broken. All of this, the daily miracle of unspoken prayer. An attitude of the heart. As my Creator, He knows it all. And silent surrender is simply enough.

This is the miracle of a human being loved and cared for by God, our own love being deepened and radiating joy, His grace imparted daily and our faith strengthened for His glory. This is the incredible story of our redemption and what angels long to look in to …

Where pride thrives growth is impossible. It stifles a teachable spirit and with the absence of humility is found an inability to learn and grow. Pride wreaks all sorts of havoc. There can be received no help, kind-hearted aid or correction of any kind. Pride stunts any possibility of growth, for the one who suffers from it bears no hope of ever becoming something other than what he already is. He will always remain the creature he is, unable to become something else, for that something else requires growth. And growth is more than change, for change by itself, is simply change. But change, under the watchful eye of character’s continuity, produces growth. As C.S. Lewis wrote in They Asked For a Paper, “Mere change is not growth. Growth is the synthesis of change and continuity, and where there is no continuity there is no growth.” Growth requires patience, perseverance and discipline. Pride finds no need for any of these friends and chooses instead to be content in what has always been.

Leo Tolstoy

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

"Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them."

my heart's aim is to know the way God's heart aches. the throbbing of His soul is the heartbeat of my existence.


sometimes worship is us offering God a neatly wrapped gift, saying, "this is what i've decided to give you, nothing more, nothing less, dressed up in ceremony and ritual, offering you what i'm willing to afford." though God graciously accepts what we offer, He always extends the invitation to us to stay awhile, to enjoy the gift with Him. will we enter the throne room of God with our gift of worship and stay awhile, waiting on God, sticking around to see if there might be something else He'd like to do with us, something more, something different? He's hoping to share His heart with us if we might stay while and listen, but so often we drop the gift at His feet and run, preoccupied with our to-do lists and sunday brunch plans. can we forgo our schedules and time constraints to offer God more than our specifically prepared offering of worship ... our life? will we wait awhile with Him?

If you have only come the length of asking God for things, you have never come to the first strand of abandonment, you have become a Christian from a standpoint of your own. "I did ask God for the Holy Spirit, but He did not give me the rest and the peace I expected." Instantly God puts His finger on the reason - you are not seeking the Lord at all, you are seeking something for yourself. Jesus says - "Ask, and it shall be given you." Ask God for what you want, and you cannot ask if you are not asking for a right thing. When you draw near to God, you cease from asking for things. "Your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask Him." Then why ask? That you may get to know Him. - O. Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

pop or soda?

finally, after years of being ridiculed for saying "pop" by everyone not from my native midwest, i am justified. its good to know that it hasn't just been me all along, but approximately everyone from 40°N and beyond.

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-out-of-a-Car-Gracefully-Without-
Showing-Your-Underwear

america has lost her modesty, and with it, her brains. we need how-to's for exiting a vehicle safely without giving great revelation to innocent bystanders.

parents have vacated their posts and the world is shocked at our displays of ignorance and obliviousness, as daycares and schools have ceased teaching morality. who will teach responsibility if parents refuse and teachers are not allowed?

the concept of modesty vanishes and after we've boiled morality off, we're left with some crystallized semblance of behaviour management and techniques for avoided embarrassing situations.

perhaps God knew all along that if we'd only follow His advice, we'd never need to surf the internet, scanning how-to websites to problem-solve awkward situations ...

The Church of England recently shocked observers by telling doctors' ethical advisors that some sick babies should be allowed to die. The bishop of Southwark, the Right Reverend Dr. Tom Butler, said that the economic cost of long-term health care and education must be considered and that there may be circumstances in which it is morally acceptable to perform a "possibly lethal act". Dr. Butler has submitted a paper to the Nuffield Council on Bioethics, a think tank that advises on moral dilemmas created by scientific advances. The council will publish guidelines on how to deal with very premature and very sick babies. The bishop's rationale for his position included this statement: "For a Christian, death is not the end, and is not to be avoided at all costs." In response, the evangelical wing of the Church of England gave a warning that this view is a slippery slope toward euthanasia, and the Roman Catholic church issued a statement defending the right to life.
(The Church Around the World / Feb. 2007)

advice to consider

don't fall into the trap of using quotes and funny pictures/drawings for your blog or else it becomes boring. a good example of one that has become boring is pieandcoffee. - keith

Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything. - William Shakespeare

glad to not be looking for work anymore

He's like a bad smell ...

sometimes knowing the leading/will of God is like detecting the source of that mystery smell in the new-to-you older house you just bought. sometimes it takes bumping into walls and lots of tries to get it right. sometimes it takes cautious steps into corners and then backing out again when the smell disappears. sometimes it finds us with our noses in the air, sniffing out the clues while missing the rotten cheese at our feet. sometimes its not a thunder bolt from heaven but a hesitant step in the right direction. sometimes God's presence is like an faint aroma. its definitely there, but where?

"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going." (Hebrews 11:6,8)

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? .... God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is.
-- O. Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, Jan. 2

journal entry ?

it was supposed to be 35 degrees today. it’s 11. the wind chill “lowers” the temps to sub-zeros. the nightly winter weather report always includes the wind chill. it’s sort of like a northern footnote explaining that “yes, it’s insanely cold and we still live here anyway. but the insanity of it all means that we’re strong and brave for living here, not just crazy like everyone else thinks.” either bragging rights are not beneath us or our cognitive abilities went the way of last summer’s geraniums. either way, we’re here. we’re freezing. and we love it.